Please come to the information desk...

I've heard people in ASDA say the obvious ones (Mike Hunt, Gloria Stits etc) but these are classic. I'm not sure who made them and who to link to but I've put the links from the e-mail below, so hopefully I shouldn't get any complaints.

Basically, these blokes went into Heathrow and Gatwick airports and asked the information centre staff if they could put out an announcement for the following people (listen to the clips, they are great).

Looks Like: Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed
Sounds Like: "I hate this fucking job, and I will be fired"
Clip: Click Here

Looks Like: Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest
Sounds Like: "I need a piss quick, and my legs are crossed"
Clip: Click Here

Looks Like:Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet
Sounds Like: "Oo-ah, that feels better and now I need a shit"
Clip: Click Here

Looks Like:Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted
Sounds Like: "My colleague just farted, and left the room, the bastard"
Clip: Click Here

Looks Like: Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee
Sounds Like: "Still, I got my own back and took a piss in his tea"
Clip: Click Here

Links from original e-mail:
http://groups-beta.google.com/group/UK-Humour
UK-Humour-subscribe@googlegroups.com

Yes, I'm a geek but isn't this great..

Just got a new mobile phone (Sony Ericsson K750i in case you were wondering) and it has a panoramic picture tool (yes, I know this isn't the first phone to have it) but with a 2 megapixel camera, this is pretty cool (it's three pictures in one btw).

Worse films...

Im going to say this before i forget.

The worst films in the world (for now) are 'the thin red line' and 'fahrenheit 911'.

Everyone knows I like to give america a good knocking once in a while, but i would like to think that if i was going to make a film that i would actually find some actual evidence for what I was saying. Michael moore does to information what sun newspaper writers do to official statistics.

Sent in by mobile phone

Working for a living....

...Is shit compared to traveling across America in a jeep. To say I'm jealous is an understatement.



Have fun kids and good luck with the wedding!

The problem with computers...

This is something that's been bothering me for a while and I have not really had anywhere to share it or not had anyone to talk to about it.

Basically, my problem with computers is that they haven't really got over the problems we had with using paper. E-mail has pretty much replaced the 'letter' when it comes to sending information between people. But one of the biggest problems we had with paper is also a problem we have with e-mail - They are a great way of trading 'information' but in most cases, the actual 'data' inside the information is lost. For example, if I send you an e-mail that says

"There is a great band called 'The Music' playing at 8:30 on the 15th of July at the Barfly, Camden"

The information is there, but we can't really use it. The 'data' that the e-mail provides is the location, date,time and the name of the band - An ideal e-mail system would pick up on the date and work out that something is happening - we could then add this to our calendars with a simple click of a button. Microsoft word is already starting to do this with addresses, but there is still a long way to go!

I receive hundreds of bits of information during the day, most of which has to be inputted into one system or another - to do this, I generally have to print off the e-mail/correspondence and manually re-enter the data. This is because the data is either in read-only format or the data isn't compatible.

What annoys me further is that I'm not the person who can address this problem, I'm simply someone who gets frustrated with it!

Good old Rockstar games...

What's all the fuss about? Some hackers stick in a bit of "porn for the lads" and the whole of America goes crazy? It's alright for trailer trash to keep guns under their pillows, but a computer geek looking at some pixelated boobies...?!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/4682533.stm

Colin, You balled twat...

Fucking bureaucracy! I've just returned from a London post office where I had to fill in an E111 form TWICE because I had used blue ink on the first one - Blue ink from a pen that the Post office has kindly provided me on one of their tables.

Colin, the bald 'jobs-worth' behind the counter took great pleasure in telling me (a "suit") that I had filled in the form "completely wrong" and that I should do it again. He even pointed out that I had made a mistake on the first form and had had to cross it out - Yes, I admit, I had made a mistake - The form asked "Name(s)", So I naturally wrote in my full name....little did I realise that the next question was "First name(s). What kind of prick designs a form like that? Wankers, the lot of them.

Colin, and people like him are an fantastic example of stupid and pointless government bureaucracy. I could have quite easily have filled in the E111 form on the internet - after all, I can do this with travel insurance etc. But for some stupid reason the government decides that they need to keep shabby little post offices open so that they can sit there 'stamping' things all day.

Get rid of post offices I say. They serve no purpose - I can buy my stamps anywhere and weighing scales for parcels could be installed anywhere!

Bring in ID cards I say. Make this country and easier place to live in. Let me walk up to a counter, present my card, smile at a facial recognition camera (or insert my finger into a reader) and then get whatever it is I need. None of this filling in forms in triplicate just for some school drop out to stick a stamp on it!

Why is this country/world so bloody inefficient!

Amazing...

I've just seen the whole of London stop in silence in memory of the people who died in the bombings last week.

My office, as well as all of the offices along the Thames, emptied out on to the river side to mark our respect.

It was an amazing thing to see.

London has turned the other cheek and will not be bullied!

My neighbourhood...

I like the bit about satellite TV

It's the end of a very long day..

It's been a very long day today. I've never felt so angry and emotional in one day. It's all very strange. The atmosphere in town tonight was odd - people were trying to carry on as usual, but any laughter was always cut short as people remembered what had just happened.

I sat in a pub on the South Bank of the Thames and people looked over the city of London. There was no obvious sign that anything had happened - but we all knew that in there somewhere, something awful had just happened.

I just want to say that the emergency services have done an amazing job today. The so called "London Emergency Plan" seems to have worked very well - I have no doubt that things like the "buses carrying wounded" and "free river transport" were all part of this plan and were not simply thought up at the time.

My gut feelings at the moment are that these attacks where carried out by a very small group of people who probably didn't plan this to a huge extent. The intelligence community can only gather intelligence if an operation is planned over some time. This kind of attack could be planned in an evening and perpetrated on the spur of the moment.

I would really like to have sat here all day writing some kind of inspired blog telling people of what was happening in London all day. The fact is I'm no good at these kind of things and I really have not known what to say.

London will bounce back.

If anyone happens upon this blog by accident and is thinking of visiting London - Please don't be put off by this atrocity. London is a strong city and it's people even more so. We are welcoming people - if you find us unwelcoming, give us time...we are, after all, British and it takes us a while to open up (try buying us a drink...that normally does the job!).

From Joy to sadness in 24 hours

It is a sombre day in London today. Some would say that it was 'only a matter of time' before something like this happened, but that doesn't make it alright.

Why can't normal people like us live our lives without having to worry about radical fundamentalists like these. There is no excuse for this kind of thing.

I'm very angry.

London wins.....

Have a bit of that Frenchies!!

Olympics 2012 here we come!!

Madrid Out...

New York Out...

Moscow Out....

Gimme Gimme Gimme...

ooooh yeah....

Http://www.wheelsurf.nl

Is this what we teach in schools these days...

While looking for reviews on a possible new mobile phone, I came across this little gem provided by someone called Max, from good old England:

"MAN,tlk bout havin a rubbish fone, wots goin on wiv dis peice of rubbish,i mean cum on,da pic's r well crappy compared 2 ma old nokia 6230, n dnt even get me startd on the txt'in,i jus wnna txt ma m8's really fast init,bt no this hunk of junk takes bout an hour longer dan ma old fone,me m8 is rippin me well bad coz he is stil gt is 6230 n i'm stuk wiv dis fing!!i h8 it n wnt ma nokia bk, it's so bait dat the nokia is jus betta n u wud hav 2 b pretty stupid 2 chose dis, take it frm me yh, u wnt get no street cred wiv dis fone!trus!"

I'll be honest, I haven't even read all of it because, firstly I don't understand it, and secondly it makes me sick just trying to read it.

Oh, and Nokia are shite. Fact.